All That Glitters Is Not Blogging Gold



John Falstaff

April 23, 2012

Commentary

Searching the internet for blog inspiration sounds good in theory, but then a lot of things sound good in theory, like learning how to swallow swords, knitting a full-size map of the United States, or planting a garden, but what really happens is you puncture an organ, quit after realizing that even Rhode Island is pretty big, or discover that it gets hot outside and that there is a lot of standing up and squatting down required. Who needs that? Using the internet to generate ideas for writing a blog article can have similar results. Am I a little more educated for it? Yes. Am I a lot more educated about things I don’t need to know about? Definitely.

My first stop for inspiration, after spending forty-five minutes on Facebook begging people to take care of my crops while I was away from the farm, was Yahoo’s main page. I know! Yahoo of all places. People still occasionally Yahoo things instead of Google them. I haven’t started Binging yet, but I have it on my bucket list. I just need to get over how intimate it sounds. What did you do today? I Binged Saint Bernhards. Then I Binged Ferraris. Before I knew it, I was Binging my favorite comic strip.

Here is a list of things I discovered during one of my days seeking blog inspiration:

I read a news story about a website called Fiverr.com, where people post things they will do for $5. The headline read, “How Fiverr.com is changing the creative economy $5 at a time.” I was amazed at what people will do for a Benjamin. I mean a Franklin. No, I mean a Lincoln. Some of the options on Fiverr.com include:

  • Someone will meditate on my financial abundance for 5 minutes straight for $5. (Do you see the irony in this one?)
  • Someone will send me positive energy for 50 days for $5. (This is a very cheap energy alternative the government could consider tapping.)
  • Someone will make a pterodactyl noise for me for $5. (I seriously considered this one since I was growing tired of my “That’s So Raven” theme song ringtone and needed a new one, but I wasn’t certain if the pterodactyl sound had been scientifically verified.)
  • Someone will crochet a fried egg toy for me for $5. (I lost the one I received for Christmas when I was a child and have been looking for a replacement ever since.)
  • Someone will shout anything I want while wearing a banana costume for $5. (No commentary necessary to describe how awesome this one is. I hope creative agencies around the world are preparing for the effects this will have on the pricing of their services. I don’t know about you, but with gas and fabric prices as high as they are these days, I can’t shout messages in a banana costume for less than $7.50.)

I read a news story about how architects will answer the problems of rising oceans. Instead of scientifically determining why water levels are rising and addressing those directly, we’ll all live in amphibious homes that will safely raise and lower when needed. In other news, it has been discovered that house boats have changed their names to amphibious homes.

I read a news story in the Finance section on how to be popular at work. It explained that you should learn to build rapport with your co-workers, and then goes on to say it is an unconscious attribute that people are born with, so there is some advice to build on. The article did state even if you aren’t naturally good at building rapport, you can improve on what little ability you have. One way is to visualize that the person is an honored guest in your home. I tried this once, but my boss already knew where the bathroom was and didn’t want to see my impressive Harry Potter decorative plate collection I keep in my desk drawer.

I watched a video in the News section titled “What happens after we die?” I was excited to find out that someone who had passed away had figured out how to carry an iPhone with them into death (as most people hope to do) to shoot the video and was able to stream it back to YouTube for everyone to see (and for Google to own forever). I was more than a little disappointed when I realized this was just a Reader’s Digest version of afterlife predictions by various religions, from Egyptians to Vikings, but no actual afterlife footage. Yet another misleading headline.

I learned a lot of things I didn’t need to know during my journey for blog inspiration, so I’m not certain that a random sampling of the news is the best way to generate ideas. What I do know is that if I ever need my caricature painted on a bean, but only have $5 to spend, someone out there will be able to give me the help I need.

About the Author: Sir John Falstaff has spent the majority of his career serving as the inspiration for one of William Shakespeare’s greatest comedic characters. This character of the same name has appeared in Henry IV – Part 1, Henry IV – Part 2, and The Merry Wives of Windsor. Unfortunately, he is only mentioned in Henry V due to an irreconcilable issue that occurred during contract negotiations that John is unable to discuss due to an unusually restrictive non-disclosure agreement that he unwittingly signed in return for a flask of ale and two sheep. While John feels that Bill’s fictional representation of him possesses a variety of traits that may or may not be entirely accurate, including lazy, selfish, dishonest, boastful, and lecherous, John has had no regrets riding the character’s coattails to great success. Since Bill's decision to retire the character, John has pursued numerous other career paths, including brewery owner, hockey goalie, deodorant tester, fortune cookie wordsmith, oyster diver, and kangaroo anesthesiologist. In addition to his current occupation as a quality assurance inspector at a pickled egg factory, John will also serve as a contributing writer for the Falstaff blog. John can be reached at john.falstaff@falstaffcreative.com. (Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of the creative agency known as Falstaff. The author agreed to provide articles for minimal compensation, so we figured why not?)